Hold it right there

My call is important, insists the cheerful hold lady. Friendly Customer Service Representatives are currently helping other customers, she chirps.  She then assures me that my call will be answered in the order in which it was received. After a pause, she helpfully adds that, Friendly Customer Service Representatives will be with me in 10 to 15 minutes. My call may be monitored for training purposes.
This calls for a nice restful cup of tea. I will be one with my breathing and sip tea.

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During this Friendly wait time, the cheery voice lists a variety of goods and services my Friendly Customer Service Representative will be happy to help me purchase. My call is still important to her, apparently, and a Friendly Customer Service Representative will be happily help me soon. I wait, listening to the stream of commercials narrated by the sprightly faceless woman. The commercials are accompanied by aggressively friendly music. This is less reassuring than, I expect, they intend. I need to bite something.

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The Friendly Customer Service Representatives, are much on my mind. I worry about the Friendly Customer Service Representatives and what happens to them if they come to work not feeling quite so friendly. I picture the fate of those customer service representatives who arrive at work and line up to have their friendliness measured.

I picture a colorful yardstick, “You must be this Friendly to enter.” Some kind of attitude adjustment rooms must await those who fail to meet the required bubbly level of happiness. I imagine a row of tiny rooms appointed with brightly colored wallpaper,  ball pits, puppies, and candy dishes stocked with Xanax.

They probably play this same endlessly repeating music. No amount of calming tea is sothing enough for this discourdantly perky music or the happy hold lady.  There is, however, an unopened bottle of wine and some cookie dough in the freezer left from a school fundraiser.

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Wine breathing and cookies in the oven. I remember my call is monitored for training purposes and I, helpfully, list music selections which could make this wait time less of a sensory assault. Perhaps, I add, running an endless stream of requests for more money is not as friendly as they imagine. I may have added some extraneous adjectives and nouns. The wine is done breathing.

My call is important to the happy lady. She continues to assure me that Friendly Customer Service Representatives are helping other customers and my call will certainly be answered in the order in which it was received. I suggest that running an endless stream of requests for more money in the form of their chipper commercials is not as friendly as they imagine. I may have added some helpful suggestions about what they might do with their commercials, their choice of music, and their math skills of their estimated wait time calculator.

My call may be monitored for training purposes.

What if the friendliest of Friendly Customer Service Representatives are assigned to the most calm and patient of waiting customers. I, who left paitent, calm, and friendly far behind, am now permanently on the list of annoyed and snarky customers. Our cranky customer service representatives are all waiting for their turns in the puppy rooms.

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My call may be recorded for training purposes.

I listen to the happy, happy lady; the commercials; and the oddly disdordant music and begin to long for my own personal ball pit, a half dozen puppies, and a bowl of Xanax. I am one with my breathing.

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