Who Needs Pockets?

Why does the fashion industry hate on women so much. I wish I knew because I’m down to one single pair of good-ish shorts and two pairs of paint-stained cut-offs.  I’m looking for a few pairs of new shorts and, maybe a new pair of jeans. Right.

Do you want to know what I found at my friendly neighborhood department store? Do you? Too late, I’ll tell you what I found.

1. An assortment of pre-faded jeans. (I already have faded jeans, that’s why I’m shopping.)

2. An assortment of pre-faded and pre-ripped jeans. (I own faded and torn jeans. I faded and ripped them myself. I also own faded, ripped, and paint-stained jeans. This is going to be the next big thing. Mark my words.)

3. See #1 and #2 in Capris but all the pockets are fake.

4. I found actual Daisy Duke cut-off shorts. Why?

5. Also shorts that are even shorter than Daisy Dukes. These are, effectively, Bikini bottoms which are decorated to resemble shorts. They have no pockets, either. Naturally.

Why, Fashion people? Why do you hate on Women?

None of of these clothes are well-made. They’re designed to disintegrate in the wash in less than a year. The pockets, if present, are laugh-able but I don’t feel like laughing.

This is why I hate shopping. It may be why I have resting bitch face.

I pull out my phone intending to document why I will later be found building a fort out of jumbo toilet paper packs and pillows in the toy department. I find Legos soothing.

If one person had told me right then, to “Smile” because I’d “be so pretty”, I’d be viral on YouTube right now. I swear.

Men don’t have to put up with this crap. Their clothes are both well made and affordable. They get shorts that cover more than their booty, and they are permitted to wear out the knees and fade their own jeans. None of their pockets are fake. There would be an uprising.

It comes to me that this store has a men’s department and I’m pretty sure I can find it.

I’m now the proud owner of two new pairs of well-made, affordable, booty-covering, not-yet-faded-or-worn-out, shorts with several actually useful pockets; one of which is a dedicated electronic device pocket.

I still have resting bitch face but my booty is comfy and I have pockets in which I can hold assorted Legos.

legs

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Toothpaste Expectations

This past week I found myself standing, bewildered, in my local discount pharmacy. Someone has had the temerity to aggressively rearrange and refurbish the whole store without ever asking me.

Gone, is the dim and occasionally flickering light, replaced with bright, white LEDs. Gone, is the friendly collection of commingled out-dated and too early holiday candy and stuffed toys. Their shelf is gone, too. Continue reading “Toothpaste Expectations”

Stalking in the Produce Aisle

I admit it.

I might have been following the couple through the grocery store and overhearing their conversation just a little bit. I was totally casual and not-at-all creepy about it. I had to find out how their story ended. It started in the produce section as the wife picked out a bag of oranges and I lurked near the potatoes.

Continue reading “Stalking in the Produce Aisle”